About Adam
In October of 2024, I suffered a stroke. Because I was in NYC and all of my family reside hours away Upstate in the Hudson Valley, I was facing my injury alone.
In the first 24 hours after a stroke, there's a much higher likelihood of recurrence, and each stroke can be potentially lethal depending on what's causing it.
I took advantage of the last of my phone's battery to have the "Thank you for being my mom, I'll find dad in the afterlife and we'll wait for you together" conversation and then lost power, leaving me, alone in my hospital room, brain all fuzzy from the trauma of the stroke, to confront my mortality during the danger time.
My One Regret
I contemplated the course of my life, and realized to my amazement that I actually only had one enduring regret. Only one thing that I really felt bad about not having ever truly tried to do.
I never used my art and creative abilities to share my own vision and voice.
Everything I did for myself, I hid, or I shared in only limited release among a few close trusted friends. All of the thousands of art files I made were meant to carry Other People's Vision, being done for commercial clients.
I never dared to live for myself.
I never dared to live "out loud".
Not Exactly Quiet
That's not to say that I was ever restrained when it came time to speaking up for myself or making demands for justice like my Neurodiverse self needs to.
What it means is that I was not taking the real risk in betting on myself. In stepping out and just being me.
My life has been the quintessential Road Less Traveled By, often making things much harder for myself in the process than they needed to be.
But the things that I've seen and the path that I took to get to who I am today? Priceles vistas and glimpses of paradise to be found in the spaces of solitude far, far from the path. Including becoming one of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence out of the NYC chapter of the drag charity.
Time to Shine
In the aftermath of the stroke, and the understanding of my one regret, my journey to health has led me to this moment now, of beginning again.
One of the lingering effects of my stroke has been variable spells of reduced higher cognitive ability. Every so often, just not being able to think clearly or straight about complex tasks, or recall priorities and details properly, or hold much in memory for a time.
I always recover and usually within the same day. Typically it has come to mean to me that my brain needs me to sleep, and sleep NOW. After I do, life is fine again. Better, even.
Unfortunately my day job is being a Project Manager for Pharma Advertising for a major global firm. I've been back to work for about 5 months now, and it's finally gotten to the point where I the challenges of managing my condition are directly interfering with emergency help that the department needs.
I'm letting my team down. My condition makes it so that while my good days see me counted as one of the best, my meh days are noticed by all. And my bad days...
My Second Chance to Shine
I'm not going to waste my second chance at expressing myself. And I believe that once I start letting folks know about me and my current creative work, I'll find the community of collectors and fellow Seekers after Wonder interested in sharing in the beauty of my Art journey.
With my condition dissolving my ability to really make the pain of corporate life worth it as much, it's time to double down on myself. Put faith in my vision, and the thousands of hours toward mastery of the basics that my life has exposed me to for color, composition, and design.
Even if life ends tomorrow for me, I will go out at while in pursuit of my own voice, my own vision, my own art, and my own weird and wacky, non-traditional self.
What a life I've lived, actually, to only have one regret to turn around for myself. And it's been so deliciously contrarian and bizarre along the way... I can't wait to share it with you.
Thank you for spending focus here today. I really hope you like what I'm making, and I hope to see you coming along for the continued journey over at my free blog Substack, Pacio49's Life Out Loud.